“I’m coming, Sookie!” I vowed, taking to the air again, scroll clutched tightly in my hand love and determination filling my heart.
Come With Me Now- You Shame Me
I was going to do something! That old feeling of excitement and anticipation filled me along with love and determination. This is what it feels like to be alive! I thought, and then right behind that came the realization that I had no idea what the something was that I was going to do. I stopped in mid-flight and hung in the sky unsure which way to go.
Start where your heart first knew what your mind what not ready to accept.
When did my heart know? When did I know that I would never be whole without her by my side? I closed my eyes and let the images flip past like flash cards. Moments frozen in my immortal memory of her smile, her head tilted as she looked at me like I was insane, of her looking at me with love and trust, of her looking at me with rage and passion. I had not allowed myself to recall our history for some time now. It was too painful, but seeing her again with perfect recall was like conjuring the medicine I needed to heal. I shivered and felt my hand reach out into the dark empty sky as though I could touch her again.
Start where your heart first knew what your mind was not ready to accept.
Of course. It had to be then. Keeping my eyes closed I felt my head drop in shame at the recollection of the moment. Then I heard the sound of rushing wind and when I opened my eyes I saw a large purple vortex opening in the sky before me. The scroll tingled in my hand I knew that I was supposed to go in. So, I did.
I came out in the basement of Fangtasia, inside Yvetta. I had been fucking her for hours, demanding with my body that she pleasure me, that she distract me, that she be…someone else. Nothing she did was right, nothing I did was right and I could not admit why. The door opened and I heard Sookie.
My body stopped and my mind took me back to the roof when she touched my hand. My eyes drifted closed and I knew then what I had been doing and why it wasn’t working. Yvetta was not what I wanted. She never would be.
“Holy S!” she exclaimed behind me.
“Sookie,” my eyes came open as I pulled out of Yvetta, still rock hard, and turned to face her. My cock was pointing like the needle of a compass at what was now it’s true north. “See anything you like?”
“I do,” Pam purred eyeing the exhausted woman behind me. She was going to get her wish sooner than she could imagine.
“I take it Sookie couldn’t be stopped?”
“What can I say?” What can any us of say, I wondered? “She overpowered me.” As she did me, I thought.
“Off you go, Pam.” I knew I was going to say something that I did not want Pam to see.
“Sookie, meet my new dancer, Yvetta, from Estonia. Yvetta, meet, Sookie, from here.” Manners were nothing but a way to stall. They always had been.
“Hi.” Always the polite southern lady, even as she averted her eyes. I moved to stand before her, I wanted her to see me. All of me. Everyone wanted me. They always did. I could reach her that way at least. I put my hands on my hips, attempting to force her gaze to my large erection, needing her to see what she did to me just with her mere presence.
“What brings you to Fangtasia on this balmy summer night?” Say me, please say me.
“You.” She stood back and crossed her arms, slowly looking me over from head to toe, licking her lips slowly, sensuously when her eyes paused on my cock. When she met my eyes again my brain still hadn’t started to work. This is not how this had happened at all! She had come here to talk to me about Bill getting his dumbass kidnapped by werewolves.
“Me? Why?” She walked around me now and moved to stand in front of Yvetta, who at first glance was chained, but was in actuality only holding on to the chains that she had wrapped around her own wrists to help steady her during sex. I remembered then, the purple portal, the scroll, which I did not see currently in the basement, and the fact that she had been taken. Was she really here? Was this then or now?
“You brought me here.” I turned again to face her, waiting for more information about where and when we were. She was still looking at Yvetta, her back to me. I moved to stand in front of her. “She was so mad at you, you know?” My brain skipped like a needle on a record.
“Yeah. When you dumped her.” So, this was now. She remembered this event from the past. I took her shoulders in my hands, ignoring Yvetta and my nudity as I pulled her close, locking her in my arms.
“I found you!” She laughed a mirthless laugh into my chest.
“No, you didn’t.” I pulled back to look down at her, my face drawing down into a frown.
“Explain,” I demanded. She shook her head.
“No, I don’t think so. You explain. You explain why you brought me back to this shitty basement again to make me watch you fuck her, again!” She jerked free of my hands as though my touch burned her and took a step back from me, giving her a clear view of me and of Yvetta.
“I found you gone. I was told to come to-” I stopped.
“To what?” she prompted, her tone as cold as the cement floor against my feet. “You were told to what, Eric?” So, here I was. The only time I had ever been able to talk to her was when I couldn’t remember what she meant to me. When the witch stole everything I was and left me an innocent, unaware of what it felt like to love and to trust and to have that love and trust shattered into a thousand sharp spikes that could be used to cut and burn my undead flesh. This woman had broken my heart so many fucking times. So many fucking times.
My nakedness had not bothered me up to that point but as I considered how to answer her I felt too naked. What had been a tool to make her uncomfortable then had turned into something that made me uncomfortable now. I reached for my red silk robe that had been hanging on a bar next to Yvetta and moved to shrug it on.
“STOP!” her voice rang out in the basement, echoing. I stopped moving, one arm in the sleeve and looked toward her. “You wanted to be naked, so be naked, Eric. Take it all off for me, right now.” Her tone was still cold, but her words were clear. She would stomach no hiding of any kind from me this night. I dropped the red silk to the floor and stood tall before her, grateful that she reminded me that I was many things but a coward would not be one of them tonight.
“As you wish,” I nodded my head her slightly in deference.
“To what, Eric?”
“I was told to come to the place where my heart first knew what my mind was not ready to accept.” She smirked then, and I felt one of those shards slide into my undead heart. I caught a glimpse of why I had been hiding in Shreveport for the last three years.
“I said, take…it…all…off. Stop fucking around, Eric.” Anger rose in me then. I was a bastard, I knew this better than anyone, but I had never been a bastard to her. Never. To. Her. “Aww, am I making you angry? Am I making you feel bad?”
“You’re not, Sookie,” I told the face stealer before me. She had hurt me yes, but she had never enjoyed hurting me. This wasn’t her.
“Wrong. As usual. It’s been three years since you saw me, Eric. What makes you think you know anything about who I am now?”
“Because some things don’t change.”
“And some things, do. You have no idea where I have been and what I have been through, yet you dare to call me here tonight to watch you fuck Yvetta. Do you want to hurt me some more? Is that what this about? You haven’t gotten your pound of flesh yet, Eric? I haven’t bled for you enough yet?!” She was screaming now, and her eyes held the look of woman teetering on the edge of madness. My heart of shards ached for her.
“What the fuck happened, Sookie? Tell me, please.” My arms reached out for her without consulting my brain. She made my body stupid that way.
“NO! YOU DON’T GET TO ASK ME THAT! YOU DON’T GET TO SUMMON ME AND ASK ME ANYTHING! DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT!” She took a deep breath and stepped back, bringing herself under control. “You called me here, so now I get to ask the questions. You need me. When I decide I need you, if I decide I need you, then you will get to ask your questions.” Oddly, she reminded me of myself in that moment. If this was her, she had indeed changed in the past three years.
I looked at her, in that stupid fucking lavender dress that Compton had bought her, because it wasn’t something she could have afforded on a waitress’ salary and realized that as per usual I was fucking this up. I let out a useless sigh and stood there before her, waiting for her to throw whatever shards she had left. I took a small amount of comfort in knowing she was alive, and fashioned that comfort into a shield for what surely was to come next.
“What did your heart know in this room?” I kept my head down and focused on the floor.
“That she wasn’t you, would never be you, and I only wanted you. That…I would only ever want you.” I heard her move and her matching lavender pumps came into my field of vision on the floor.
“You told me that night that you wanted what was Bill’s.”
“Yes,” I said to her feet.
“I remember your face. I stored that memory for later, I was too distracted at the time, but I remember that you looked so vulnerable when you said it. Then I would get angry that you had distracted me with your nakedness, your boldness and then blindsided me with your vulnerability. Then I would hear Bill’s voice reminding me that you were a master manipulator with a thousand years of experience in getting what you wanted and I would get so mad that you played me that way.” My gaze locked with hers then.
“I DID NOT PLAY YOU!” she did not even flinch at my roaring in her face.
“So you say,” but she sounded a little unsure of herself now. “So you say, now. But if that was true why did you never tell me.”
“You wouldn’t have heard me.”
“You don’t know that, you didn’t know that. You don’t know how many times I replayed that moment. How many times I saw your face and how many times I told myself how stupid I was for thinking that you might have wanted something from me other than a fast fuck in chains that you could one up Bill with when next you saw him.” I shook with rage at her accusations. Is this really what she thought of me, even now? After everything that had transpired between us since that night she had come here and truly lived this experience?
What could I say to that?
I stood before her, my heart as always on my sleeve, if I had been permitted to wear one, and she refused to see me, to hear me. I might be fucking this up, but I had a partner who was working just as hard at it.
“You’re right, I don’t know. I don’t know because you never told me.”
“Oh! And how would that have gone? ‘Eric, I think that you are a big faker! I think you are not made of stone after all. I think I see depth inside you, and I think there is love there!’ What would you have said to that, when you were done laughing?”
“I would not have laughed. I would have told you that you were right. I would have told you that the love you see is only for Sookie, only for you!” She blinked back tears, though from rage or pain I could not tell, and wondered for a moment if there was any difference, and if there were did it matter?
“LIAR!” she whispered viciously at me.
“NO!” I screamed back just as quietly. “I am many, many things Miss Stackhouse, but I am not a liar.”
“You felt me that night. You had already tricked me into taking your blood, and you knew what I was feeling that night. You know what your words did to me. All those nights you felt me, you felt my hope and you felt my anger and you felt my pain. AND YOU SAID NOTHING!” Her finger was pressed into my chest now, accusing me of letting her down.
“Yes, I felt you! I felt your hope and your anger, but I didn’t know it was mine. I told myself that you emotions were for your precious Bill, and I tried to pretend that it didn’t burn like silver that you felt nothing for me but pity and contempt!”
“Pity and contempt? You thought that was what I felt for you?” her shock overcoming her rage for a moment on her face.
“Yes, I felt it from the moment that Bill pointed out I could sense your emotions after the bomb exploded Dallas. It hissed in my soul like a den of snakes!”
“I WAS THINKING ABOUT MYSELF YOU GIANT VIKING MORON!”
“What?” She stepped back away from me quickly, embarrassed to have revealed herself to me so plainly and in her hurry, lost her footing. I caught her effortlessly and pulled her close my chest, bending her back slightly as I leaned down to press my face closer to hers, demanding an explanation. “What did you say, Sookie?” When she answered her voice was so small and quiet I had to strain to hear her at all.
“The pity and contempt were for me. You wanted your blood in me to control me, you wanted to use me to hurt Bill. I wanted you to want ME, Eric. I wanted it to be about me. I pitied myself that the dream of that would be forever out of my reach and I felt nothing but contempt for not being able to stop wanting a man who did not want me in return.” I nearly dropped her to floor in shock. “It was a game to you. It was a game then and it’s a game now. You shame me with my desire for you, Eric. I can’t let you do that again. Not again.”
Before I could speak she disappeared from my arms, leaving me for a moment in the basement with Yvetta behind me, and only the scent of her to prove that she had ever been there at all. Before I could think, the room was bathed in lavender light and I was standing there fully clothed wearing what I had had on earlier when I took to the sky to find her. I still had the scroll clutched tightly in my hand and behind me Yvetta had become Sarah Newlin. She was whimpering and whispering to a ghost that only she could see about being thankful for nothing.
I thought for the second time in as many days that she had lost her mind.
Perhaps I could ask her where to find mine.