Reflections *One Shot*

Reflections

 

Sookie was looking out her frost covered window as the sun set on December 30th.  She felt like crying but if someone had asked her she would not have been able to tell them why.  If anyone had been there to ask her she might has smiled and tried to dismiss their concern, because that is what she had done in the past.  “I’m fine,” she would say and smile her Crazy Sookie smile.  “It’s nothing,” she would say and then ask a question about them and just like that the topic was changed.  For just a moment anger bubbled up in her throat, burning like indigestion.

“It’s nothing,” she whispered to her reflection in the frost covered window.  It was supposed to snow tonight.  “I’m fine,” she told her reflection ignoring the tears in her eyes that were threatening to spill just any second.  I will not cry over William Compton! She swore to herself.  I will not give him the satisfaction of knowing how much I have missed him since he left me for his maker.  She would not because she was not sure it was true.

She missed having someone to care for, and aside from her Gran and Jason there had only been Bill.  Gran was gone, and Jason was off being Jason and Bill was…not here.  She turned from the window and looked at her empty house, a reflection of her empty heart.  Who would she love now?

Is having Bill better than having no one?  She fell on the sofa and wrapped herself in Gran’s quilt as she thought that over.  It was a distraction.  Bill was a distraction from her loneliness.  He had been since the night of her Gran’s funeral when she had run to him thinking that he could fix it somehow.  That she could shove him into the hole in heart that was all she had left.

“I’m fine,” she whispered to herself again, not even realizing she was speaking out loud to her empty house, her empty heart.  Unexpectedly Eric Northman’s voice whispered in her mind.

“What you need, Miss Stackhouse, is a little excitement in your life.”

“Pfft,” she answered him out loud.  “I’ve had too much excitement!”  Catching herself she covered her mouth and wondered if she was losing it.  Glancing around she realized that even if she was there was no one here to notice.  Which, of course was the problem.

You couldn’t be more wrong, Eric, she thought this time, taking a deep breath and reaching for her tea that was steaming on the table.  The problem is that I have had too much excitement!  As she sipped her mind played back over how much her life had changed in the past year since she had met Vampire Bill at Merlotte’s.

Beaten up, nearly killed, she had killed.  She had killed.

I told you fangers were nothing but trouble, Sook! Jason intoned in her head.  She grimaced as the burning sensation of anger flooded her chest again.

“You don’t get to tell me squat, Jason Stackhouse!” she shouted to her empty living room, the crackling fire her only answer.  She half expected to hear Gran chastise her for the outburst, but there was nothing.  She was relieved and disappointed.  After a moment she continued her musings.

Even if Bill were here, he would want her to do something or be something that she didn’t want to or couldn’t be.  She wasn’t a perfect Southern lady!  Something that he couldn’t manage to appreciate despite her nature having saved him more than once.  He was ungrateful and that was the kindest way to put it!

“He is unworthy of you, Sookie.”  Eric again.  Argh! Why was she thinking of the Viking tonight?  She had not heard a peep from him since they had gotten back from Jackson.

“Well, you did rescind their invitation to your home,” she whispered into the quilt.  You did this, Sookie, there is no one to blame but you!  And there comes the tears again.  They were both right here and you threw them out!  She covered her face thinking of the look on Eric’s face as the magic swept him out her door for what could be the last time.

“What if Eric never comes back?”   The first tear slipped down her cheek, and she wondered if perhaps that was what was really bothering her.  Not Bill, not Gran, not Jason, Eric.  What if Eric never came back?  Her chest seized.  “I’m fine,” she said and then felt the Crazy Sookie smile spread over her face, the surest indicator that she was anything but fine.

What if Eric never comes back? 

She saw him then, in the convenience store proclaiming her as his future lover.  He had to come back to make that prophecy true, didn’t he?  Her mind turned to what had happened at Russell’s when he gave her his blood and had been overcome with his passion for her, spilling against her back as he held her close to him.  He hadn’t asked her what she was feeling, but since she had just taking a heaping helping of him, he could tell right?  He could feel that she was…that she…he knew that she wanted him in that moment, didn’t he?  Sure she had run away, but he knew….Oh, God, he had to know, right?

Sitting up now, a look of fear and understanding dawning on her face.  He had to know that was why she had rescinded his invitation, right?  Because her head was stuffed with cotton and her heart was confused and broken and despite that she still wanted to make his prophecy come true.

He knew that part of her had always wanted him, didn’t he?  That was why he was so insistent that someday she would yield to him, as he called it.

“Well, how the heck could he know when I just figured it out?”  Her chest was burning again, and the tears were slipping down her burning cheeks.  She had been so foolish…so childish.  She covered her face with her hands and let the tears come.  She cried for her infantile behavior, for being a coward and hiding behind the vampire that clearly no longer wanted her from the one that clearly did.

“I’m fine!” she said to no one.  “I’m fine!”  Except that she wasn’t and now it might be too late to ever be fine again.  He had taken care of her when everyone else had fled and left her to bleed to death from being staked.  He had taken care of her in Dallas, cleaning her wounds and calming her when she made it back to the hotel.

He had taken care of her.

And she had pushed him away again and again. 

“Because I take care of people. I don’t know how to let people take care of me!”  I don’t even know what that would be like! She thought furiously now rising to pace, running away from the only person left, herself.

“I know how to love.  I don’t know how to be loved,” she whispered the fire, stopping in front of it as if it could burn away her faults and foibles.  “Who I am I kidding?” she asked the fire.  “Someone like Eric could never love someone like me.”

Someone like me…who am I? She asked herself.  I am strong.  I am brave.  I am fair, even if people are not fair to me.  I am…Sookie…and he proclaimed me as his future lover.  He wants me, does that mean he could love me?  Before she could answer she heard him again.

“You don’t get to decide what intimacy is for someone else.”  Her knees gave way and she sat down staring into the fire letting herself see what it could be like to be Eric Northman’s lover.  His kindness and gentle touch as he cared for her.  The warmth of his smile when she said something unexpected and pleasing, his solid and dependable form and presence in her life.

Oh, Sookie.  You fucked up.  You ran away from something before you even bothered to find out what it could be.  You made all his decisions for him!  What was the worst that could have happened?  That you wind up alone?  Isn’t that what happened anyway?  Only when you ran away you created a circumstance where that could be only outcome. 

She felt sick now.  Confronted by her own cowardice on a cold winter night between Christmas and New Year’s, she was overcome by her disappointment in herself.  Her hands come up and she wrapped her arms around herself, imagining for just a second what it would be like to have Eric here, sitting behind her.  How he would pull her back against his chest and whisper something provocative in her ear before he turned out the lights and took her to bed to bring his prophecy to life.

Maybe it’s not too late, she thought as the images faded from her mind.  Maybe he will come back.  Maybe we still have a shot at that kind of time together. 

After a few moments she rose from the floor and picked up her cup taking it slowly to the sink turning off lights as she went.  The cold wind was blowing outside and it made her shiver.  She stopped at the window one last time, looking out into the night and wondering what he was doing right at that moment.

I will tell him, she thought, the next time I see him I will tell him that I am sorry for everything.  I will ask him for another chance.  I will not be afraid. 

“I’m not fine,” she said to no one before she turned off the last light and climbed into bed.  Her last thought before she drifted to sleep was that her chest no longer burned with anger, instead she felt the butterfly wings of hope spread in her belly as she thought of what might happen the next time she saw the Viking.

~The End~

BACK TAGGED

39 thoughts on “Reflections *One Shot*

  1. 🙂
    Good to read something purely canon again. You picked a good point in the story where Sookie really needed to reflect on her choices. CH ignored this part and pushed her headlong into grocery shopping, dinner cooking, sunbathing and what not, ignoring the fact that chores cannot become your companions.

    I think Sookie could really have gone to Eric at this point, if she would have given her relationships a good thought. SO yeah, this was good. First step to improvement is accepting something is not right.

    Liked by 3 people

    • idream3223 says:

      Thank you! I have been re-reading some canon FF myself these past few weeks as I huddle around the warmth of my laptop and pray for Spring already. I think it got me thinking about the little moments where things might have changed and so we get Reflections. Thanks so much for reading and for your kind words. 🙂

      Like

  2. lostinspace33 says:

    Yayyy! A major ha-ha moment!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. shoegirl01 says:

    How about an epilogue or 2? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      Hi! thanks for reading :). I am going to leave this at one shot. I gave Sookie my angst and translated into her world and language. It seemed like a good time for to her to face herself and her decisions.

      Like

  4. saldred75 says:

    i could read more

    Liked by 1 person

  5. VictoryInTrouble says:

    Ah, I loved it! Even though I am not sure the circumstances surrounding this but I love her thought process and I love that she hears these voices in her head. It’s so easy to say “I’m fine,” when someone asks how you are, but sometimes we just aren’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      Hey Vic! Thanks for checking it out…*Spoilers ahead*

      In the books after the third one, Club Dead, which equates to Season 3 of TB, she returns from Jackson with Eric after having rescued Bill from his maker and Russell. She asked Eric to drive her home because she had just had what turned out to be her final break up with Bill. On the way they are attacked at a gas station by Russell’s Were’s, and she winds up saving Eric’s life and the life of the clerk in the gas station. Eric comes in and tells the Were’s that they are disrespecting his “future lover” and then he kicks a little butt, too.

      The thing I loved best about this time was that on the drive home Eric asked her if she always ran away from her problems. It was the kind of question you ask when you are interested in figuring out how someone works.

      Anyway, when they got home, she jumps out of the car and runs away from Eric, just as she had just run away from Bill and rushes into her house where she is attacked…again. When she wakes up Bill and Eric are both there, having dispatched the intruders. They chat a bit and then once again running away she rescinds both their invitations to her home and kicks them out, ending book/season 3.

      Reflections takes place at the beginning of book/season4. In the book she picks Eric up on New Year’s morning, after a shift at Merlotte’s. So here we find her two days before that infamous pick up on the side the cold January road thinking how she might have screwed up when she kicked Eric out, and finding hope that she might be able to turn this around and find the courage to give it and him a chance.

      Of course Hallow is about to take his memory…and he is about to fulfill his prophecy of making her his lover…Good times ahead for both of them….some of my favorite times. Times I already did in Keep Myself Awake :). Thanks for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. ericluver says:

    Loved it. Maybe a chapter or two more? Maybe? Erics POV when Sookie apologizes? 😃😃😃

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      Hi 🙂 thanks for reading! the next time she sees him he has already lost his memory and they have other things going on…maybe I can find another nook or cranny in between canon to work in what you want…I will think on it 🙂

      Like

  7. gyllene says:

    Glad Sookie had that moment. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Great one shot!
    I would love to see Sookie show up at Fangtasia to apologize and I
    I would love to read Eric’s POV !
    Maybe I’m asking to much?
    Jackie69

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      Thank you for reading! As to her going to Fangtasia, in canon the next time she sees him he has lost his memory and they are on the side of the road at 2am two days after this story takes place. I will think on Eric’s POV. I am not sure I have anything new to offer on what I think EPOV would be. So many great FF writers and artists have covered that ground already! 🙂 I do want to re-write the bonding scene at Rhodes though…any interest in that? 😉

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  9. mom2goalies says:

    So wish this had happened!! Would so enjoy reading your take on their next meeting, if you and your muse would be so kind as to share…. (How is that for subtle begging? Lol)

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      🙂 Thanks for reading! Their next meeting is the infamous “Who are you?” on the side of the road. I did that on purpose, because in as much as I have looked back and had that v-8 moment and laid plans for what I would say and do next life always wound up happening and by brilliant plan took a back seat to something else going on. Sadly, moments like this where we see how we can fix things or do things better are lost to us almost as often as they happen.
      Things might have been different but she had to care for him, and then she loved him ,and then he forgot her. Not his fault but still. She decided to give him a chance and he forgot her…that’s gotta hurt, more so because she decided to give him a chance. I just wanted that moment, that shining moment of realization and hope. Probably because I needed it right then as much as she did! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. jules3677 says:

    Nicely written. Though with canon Sookie she may have thought about it, but, would she act on it/ Something to consider since she’s confident that she’ll see him and be able to discuss it. All thought no action. Be interested to read if she follows through or not. Again nicely written introspective piece. Thankyou. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. fffbone says:

    I wonder what would have happened… If Sookie went to him first. Before the witches curse. This was nice btw.

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      I imagine she would have been really pissed at that witch. 🙂 More fire and brimstone for the loss of all that effort on her part and there would have been nothing left for Pam to torture. 🙂

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  12. ashmo2000 says:

    That’s all Sookie needed. Time is all she needed to think things through alone without any distractions to realize that Eric is who she wants.

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      Which is I guess why she never got it or took it. Harris was milking her telepathic barmaid like a cash cow, more interested in dragging it out for money than for telling a story that made sense because it resolved and ended at the appropriate place. I can see how it happened and hate it at the same time. The fans and publishers want more, more and the art suffers because of the money. Still, we got Eric out of the deal and we all love him to bits. So, there is some silver in every dark cloud :).

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  13. suzyq591suzy says:

    Very well done — Sookie is smart she just needs to own it and it looks like she is starting to now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      Hey you! 🙂 How are you doing? I have had those moments too where everything is clear but they are hard to hold on to. Especially in a life as wild and crazy as hers. Thanks for reading 🙂

      Like

  14. This was really good. It’s snowing here right now so it provided a great setting for the story. I really enjoyed the self reflection. If only she had done more in CH. I like that Sookie realized that she was strong and worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      Hi Mindy! That is the hardest thing I think, finding your self worth at any time. She didn’t in canon or in the show. That was to me the saddest part of Sookie’s story. Thanks for reading 🙂

      Like

  15. […] has been a busy bee! One shots galore! Reflections and a Flash Fiction called Sweet Things and another one shot called Brutal Mercies and another […]

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  16. valady1 says:

    This is the kind of depth that CH was either unable or unwilling to write for her characters. So much was left unsaid that could have made things so much clearer for them. I like the hopefulness at the end.

    Liked by 1 person

    • idream3223 says:

      I haven’t read any of her other books, her attitude about this one has made me dislike her as an author. I can say I have learned a lot from her though, even if was in only how not to do something. That can be important, too! Thanks for reading and leaving a comment 🙂

      Like

  17. kinnik7104 says:

    Well done. I always wanted Sookie to realize things in this way. I loved it.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. idream3223 says:

    Thank you! 🙂 I think Sookie always wanted herself to realize things, too. There was just always too much going on for her to do that. Thanks for reading 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. kleannhouse says:

    wonderful one shot. she finally figured out early on what a putz she was to send him away. Another one shot could rise out of this for when she decides to tell him what she figured out. Or a musing of his own like she did. KY

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  20. Yay for Sookie! She’s no longer just a telepathic barmaid who runs into trouble and out the other side without truly appreciating how she got through it. She CAN reflect—and does so admirably—asking herself some tough questions. Now, a few more of those ‘her’ sessions and she’ll be able to be Eric’s partner with her self worth intact.

    Loved it!

    -Meadow

    Like

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